Sometimes sexuality is a bit of taboo. I personally don’t really see good reasons for this, though can share the feeling of awkwardness talking about it. Fascinatingly, I can’t find a legitimate reason for sexuality to be something we don’t discuss more openly.
We all know that sexuality has a big effect on how we feel. Sexual, and honest good sexual experiences - without a fixation on an orgasm or any other 'goal' - have a great impact on happiness and energy.
Dave Asprey says it nicely: ‘How you show up in the bedroom greatly impacts the way you show up in the world’. Apparently, there is an old Taoist calculation for the healthy amount of orgasms for a man. A reason to take this seriously, is the effect that an orgasm has on you emotionally. It's different for everybody, but worth to consider.
The calculation posits that your ideal amount days between orgasms is: your age in years, minus seven, divided by 4.
Your age in years, minus seven divided by 4 is the amount of days you want to have in between orgasms. - Some Taoist calculation
Of course, it'd be crazy to live by a formula. Though conscious and aware sex with the right people creates neurochemicals that have a great emotional impact and create a state of flow. You can often feel the difference, it's in the emotional connection and satisfaction. Contrary to this, porn creates neurochemicals that block a state of flow. - From the Broken Brain podcast #32
A good book on flow is ‘Stealing fire’.
It apparently also appears from a national survey in the US that pornography is going up a lot among both sexes (mostly men), and the actual physical intimacy, is less. This is a worrisome observation.
Men and orgasms
Orgasms for men cost the body and mind a lot of energy, that can be used on a lot of different things in life.
Having more sexual openness and experience, but without focusing on the outcome (orgasm) has had people gaining a lot of value in their career but also general happiness. It seems to be a general healthy habit to adopt. Your whole body reacts to things as intense as this. Of course, we’re not limited to sexual experiences in the traditional sense. Dancing in a close way is a great way to share intimacy in a safe setting, and have a great experience! I can't help but think it's reasonable to assume that some of the problems both men and women are facing is due to lack of proper intimacy. Sharing intimacy through talking and touching is something healthy, and nothing risky. It's definitely something I try to cultivate in my life.
Moreover, we don’t have to think about sex or sexuality as ‘acts’ but as a form of communication and a healthy source of happiness for the mind and body. Touch and physical intimacy increases oxytocin, a hormone that greatly impacts our happiness. Vanessa van Edwards also goes into the essential role of oxytocin in social interactions.
Of course, being more open and free with sexuality poses some new challenges. The possibility of involuntary pregnancy or sexually transferrable diseases are frightening and we should use contraceptive measures and common sense to prevent these things, and preserve each others happiness.
But this doesn’t at all make more intimacy a real problem in this day and age. In fact, by viewing intimacy as something a lot deeper and broader than just sex, we open ourselves up for so many more beautiful experiences to share besides ‘just sex’. We don’t necessarily have to worry too often about pregnancy or too much ejaculation, if we expand our view on what intimacy is and learn to develop the habit of being intimate instead of simply sexual.
Intimacy, both emotionally and physically, is something every person longs for. We all want to love and be loved, show ourselves and feel safe. Admiration for who we are, in the moment we share intimacy, is something we should all cherish and share openly with each other when we feel safe.
In more scientific terms, I’d think of intimacy and friendship as ‘facultative symbioses’. Depending on one another for intimacy, partly, for the betterment of each others existence. This means feeling free, being bold, crazy and awkward too.
These things, too, play a role in the essence of a virtuous being.