I Hear You by Michael S. Sorensen.
Book: I hear you
Everyone wants to be heard. Not be heard but feel heard. Feel understood.
Bids: “Ah look at that car!”, hoping your partner joins you and says: “Ah wow yeah!”
Turns out marital wellbeing depends on how often these bids are met positively and kindly. In divorced marriages after 6 years after the research, they found they only met 3/10th of bids. In the healthy couples 9/10 were met.
Turns out that research shows that when people work on a tough (math) problem, and in between get validated, their heart rate goes down and tension too. Instead of increasing more slowly, it goes down. If people are invalidated (your feelings don’t make sense) stress goes up.
💡 When people share emotions they are looking for validation.
Invalidating makes things worse easily. You empower people. Seen, heard and valued.
Misconception 1: it only works for negative emotions
Validation is also important for positive emotions!
Passive destructive responses (“that’s nice. You know what happened to me today?”) had same correlation with negative relationship outcomes as negative destructive responses. They do similar damage.
Also for kids: really important to validate. They bid often.
Misconception 2: you can’t validate if you don’t agree.
Validation
Any emotion can be validated.
Could a greater miracle take place, than for us to look through each other’s eyes for an instant? - Henry David Thoraugh
How to’s
On empathy vs sympathy: climb down the dark well and sit with them. Then say: man this sucks. I’m with you. Let’s get out of here.
4 step validation method
- Listen with empathy
- Validate the emotion
- Offer advice or encouragement if appropriate
- Validate the emotion again
One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what the other has to say. - Briant H McGill
Step 1: validate
Principles: give your full attention.
Clearly show you are paying attention. Close your laptop even if your screen is black. Put your phone away.
2014 study with 200 participants dubbed the iPhone effect: participants were asked whether they felt understood, trusted etc. In the ones that pulled their phone out or placed it on a table, the quality of conversation was judged less fulfilling.
When people hint: if you see signs, just say what’s up! If they don’t want to talk, at least you gave the gift of attention.
Matching people’s energy matters a lot. Passive support doesn’t work as noted earlier in these notes.
Micro validation: signal you listen, they are safe, you feel with them. Things like ‘that must have hurt’, ‘must feel amazing’, ‘that’s so exciting’, ‘that makes sense’, ‘no way!’ etc
Invalidating: that’s not true, you look great! Or: don’t worry! Or: I think you should… etc. It does not work!! It’s not the best time. Do it later when there is room and you validated them.
70% of communication is non verbal.
Points:
- Listen empathically
- Offer micro validation (full validation in step 2)
- Don’t offer advice until step 3
Step 2: validate
If they are done talking, validate.
It’s a good step that you respect that they feel a certain way. The next step is to show that you understand why they feel this way.
I get that you’re confused. I get that that must suck! I get.. etc
Makes sense ;)
Remember: these steps are also there to make sure they are willing to listen once you do share your perspective. People reciprocate behavior naturally (Cialdini)
Points:
- Still don’t validate. Don’t yet show agreement or disagreement. Just validate first. Don’t yet challenge them yet. Ask: how would you feel in this situation?
- Ask stuff like: ah damn so how did that make you feel? Instead of the clinical sounding ‘how did that make you feel?’ Nuance matters. You can also ask suggestions: ‘so does that make you frustrated?’ Never say you know exactly how someone feels
- Empathy is not the same as being nice. Best to not invalidate if someone, for example, is disappointed in themselves. Rather relate. Perhaps say: you weren’t at your best. It happens. It wasn’t only you :) I understand it’s frustrating..
Step 3: give perspective
- Ask for consent to give your thoughts/perspective if you’re not entirely sure. E.g: I have a few thoughts on that, may I share them? Or: can I share my 2 cents? Or: can I share how I see it? It makes people more willing/likely to listen.
- If someone is out of line, you can say: I get why you must be frustrated given you weren’t aware… and I also really don’t appreciate you storming in here judging my team while we have been busting our asses for you. Next time, please check you have all the facts before you jump to conclusions.
- Validate, validate, validate validate validate! Don’t use ‘but’ in validations though. Use ‘and’ instead.
- Use ‘often’, ‘many times’ etc and never ‘always’, ‘never’ etc
- Use encouragement often! It makes people happy. It’s easy to give too.
Step 4: validate again
- Works even better if you gave hard advice.
- Use encouragement too. Validate like ‘it’s rough, you are good at dealing with it tho’
- ‘It’s hard..’
- validate vulnerability: it’s hard to open up about this. Or: I’m sure it’s tough to bring this up, given you had no idea how I would react. Or: I admire your courage and appreciate you opening up to me. Or: thx for saying something. I know it’s not easy.
Part 3: putting it all together
The road to learning by precept is long, but by example, short and effective - Seneca
There is also positive validation.
We are all looking for Being listened to and heard is one of the greatest desires of the human heart.