Negotiations are letting someone else have your way.
Book option: Negotiations with the devil by Robert Mnookin.
It’s about emotions!
George A Miller: 7 pieces of conscious information at any given moment. That’s all we can process.
Make people feel safe. Take the time.
Voice is everything. The calm deep DJ voice, happy, or assertive. Go for happy mostly. Upward inflection. The DJ is downward inflection.
Isopraxism - mirroring. It’s very powerful. Repeat the last three words. Signal ‘alikeness’! We all avoid what is violation of pattern and thus prefer what is similar to what we feel is ‘good’ or rather ‘safe’.
Chapter 2 was on mirroring. Points I took are:
- Repeat questions back to people
- Use the voices mentioned earlier properly
Personal lesson: mirror by expressing what another feels in an appropriate way. Could be paraphrasing, could be last three words, could be a question. Or ‘it seems like..’ - labels.
Chapter 3: don’t feel their pain, label it.
Emotions are the only connection you have, to get a first row seat into what moves the person you are talking to most.
Use empathy. Doesn’t mean sympathy. Just understanding is enough.
Telling someone what it seems like is the case (e.g. “it seems you want to leave” or “it seems your family is doing well”) is a way to signal understanding and therefore safety due to guarantee of empathy.
A Princeton study shows that when we emphasize, we can predict what someone will say better.
Check out Matthew Lieberman? Psychologist.
Labeling: you speak out the emotions of others. Often they are obvious. It’s like admitting reality, but just putting a label on it so the other one knows you understand.
It’s about the primary emotion that should be acknowledged.
Taking the sting out
Don’t say “I hope this doesn’t sound harsh” - by denying the negative you give it credence.
List all negative things. This makes them more harmless.
This is called an Accusation audit
Saying no is the start of negotiation. It says that someone isn’t ready for yes and needs to preserve autonomy.
Lessons on No:
- Break the habit of going for yes. No just means wait, and signals someone maintaining autonomy
- No is not a failure
In negotiations, that’s right is exactly what you want. You’re right is NOT. It’s about the counterparty saying it without feeling they have given in.
It’s about the counterparty accepting the reality behind what you say, feeling complete autonomy.
Don’t split the difference. We don’t compromise because it’s better, but because it’s easy. Do not compromise. especially when the stakes for you are high (hostage case). But don’t overdo it on not compromising.
Don’t rush in deadlines. Don’t take yourself hostile by thinking deadlines matter so much.
No deal is better than a bad deal.
Know what moves the opposition. In the example given, knowing that the hostage taking thugs just wanted money to party in the weekend, allowed them to use time to their advantage; waiting (a deadline) increased the pressure for them, making them lose the negotiation. Use their time preference to your advantage, if you understand it.
Tell your opponent about your deadline. The pressure is on for both.
Antonio Damasio - Descartes error (book)
Decision making (negotiation) is emotional. Highly even. Experiments show that people keep making suboptimal decisions based on emotions.
When people have damage to the emotional part of their brain (probably Limbic system?) they can’t make decisions.
Reasoning toward a decision might be rational. Making it isn’t.
Unfairness:
It’s the feeling of unfairness that lets us leave something valuable on the table.
If you feel treated unfair, you won’t accept a deal. Even if it’s actually a good deal.
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“I just want a fair deal” or “I just want what is fair”
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Or: we gave them a fair deal. Or: we want to make you a fair offer
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Or: “I want to make you feel like you’re treated fair so let me know when you feel you’re not and we go back to fix it”
Bend reality.
When Chris Voss called with his contractor (as a subcontractor) he anchored (-> thinking fast and slow) their emotions low by doing an accusation audit.
Anchor emotions.
Try not to open a negotiation yourself.
Anchor adjustment technique. First set an amount if you want, to anchor someone on a number close to it, or to make it feel like ending a lot lower will be very hard which makes the counterpart not put in the effort and accept.
You can also open with a range. If the low number in the range is what you look for, it will seem like you are making a concession to the counterpart.
You can suggest a non monetary part too. This can be beneficial.
17643 as a number for a deal makes it seem less negotiable. It’s like it’s calculated, feels more permanent.
Give an surprise gift in a negotiation to inspire reciprocity. After the first rejection. People feel obliged to pay acts of kindness.
Hope is not a strategy.
Negotiations often go wrong because of pride and egocentrism. Reciprocity can also work against you. If people know they have given you something (sign of life), they want something back.
Check book: split second negotiations.
Unbelief is what keeps persuasion in check. Neutralize unbelief first and only then go for stimulating things towards your way. Neutralizing unbelief is half the win!
Find out someone’s challenge that makes them do what you don’t want and help them solve it, so they lose motives to not do what you want.
Disagree without being disagreeable is the secret of negotiation.
Ask for collaboration on your problem: how am I supposed to do that? Or: how do I know she’s still alive? (In a neutral, honestly wondering kind of way).
Calibrated questions
Are gold! They offer no target for attack. Inconcrete.
- Calibrated question me are open ended. “How” instead of “can” or “does”
- Best to start with who, what, when, how. Especially best what, how and sometimes why.
- Why is more accusatory. Not neural and open ended.
Tone of voice is always essential. Keep. It. Respectful.
Or ask: what about this doesn’t work for you? In a friendly tone.
Why did you do it? -> What caused you to do it?
Thought: you can also create a small conflict after which you admit and show openness. It relaxes people after focusing any tension on something new (the conflict you made) that is at least under your control.
Listen to bookmark in audiobook “Problem example #1
Easy to forget but essential: buy time.
When dealing with negotiations, remember the deal killers behind the scenes are more important than the deal makers. You need to get the people behind the deal maker aligned, and you can do so by asking calibrated questions like: “how do the people not in this call think about it?” Or maybe “how does the rest feel about this?”
Invite the people involved, like the ones that your deal affects (the people not making the deal, but getting the training or using the product) by asking calibrated questions like “How do we know the rest is on board?” Or “What can we do or give to involve or prepare the rest?”
7, 38, 55 rule: 7% of communication is based on words, 38 on voice, 55 on body language. (Small caveat: Mehrabian only measured this for feelings and attitudes, when words and tone contradict each other. So not a rule for all communication. Tone does matter a lot though.)
Rule of 3 make someone agree three times in a conversation. This cements your agreement. Example: 1. Yes, 2. Paraphrasing and ask for confirmation, 3. How? Details. What constitutes success. Make it a reality between you two.
If you’re not sure of your counterpart, try it. It gives you time to observe them.
People that use ‘we’ ‘they’ etc are also often more important.
Use your name to bring empathy back. The example: he greeted an aggressive drunk man in a bar with a hand to shake and “My name is Chris”. Things went 180 degrees. You bring back the human this way.
Saying no: you can use more tactics next to ‘how’ questions, like: ‘that’s a generous offer but I’m afraid that doesn’t work or ‘sorry, I can’t do that’
Listen to fragment called ‘saying no story number 2’. GENIUS!
Yes, is nothing without HOW.
Listen to bookmark called “Mike Akkerman method”.
Turns out people prefer to feel that they are ‘winning’ rather than getting the best deal. It’s ego, emotion. Not rationality.
Don’t let the rules ruin the flow.
Come prepared - go through the goals, concessions, anchors before you enter.
Have a strategy.
Keep a beginners mind. Never only follow the known knowns, only be guided by them.
Meta insight: the writer completely changes his perspective on unique events to adapt. He sees he needs to change something and does it. Greatness.
Leverage != power. You can have a lot of power and still not have leverage. Leverage differs per occasion.
Black swans are leverage. Find out what you don’t know. It can kill you, or bring unexpected success.
Always know how much leverage you have.
Essential tactic: Know who has what to lose. Who has most to lose?
Research points out: Losses always appear larger than gains.
Negative leverage: what they stand to lose.
Normative leverage: use their norms / values. “You seem to value honesty but this doesn’t seem that”
Understand their view. What do they value?
Review everything you hear.
You have to signal that you are part of the same group. At least in certain aspects. The signal we are in the same group immediately increases trust and willingness.
If things seem crazy, it can often be a black swan. Pay attention!
Hunt for black swans. It’s useful to do at many moments outside the ones that include stakes or performance like a meeting or business dinner.
Pay attention, always. And be relaxed. Analyze the power structure.
Watch for moments that interrupt the flow.
Conclusion:
Always remember: don’t be afraid. Stay in between the feeling that you should attack/defend, and the voice that says you should just go along and avoid conflict.
Go into healthy, honest, and empathetic conflict without anxiety.
Don’t try to win just to win. Get into a negotiation because it’s healthy. Just try to get what you believe is fair and useful for you. Stay respectful. Don’t steal the red Toyota, negotiate into an affordable price by using calibrated questions, labels and empathy.
Don’t avoid honest, clear conflict. It will get you the best car price, the higher salary, the largest donation, it will save your marriage, your friendship and your family.
Listen and speak clearly and empathically. Treat people and yourself with dignity and respect. Be honest about what you can and cannot do.
Keep pushing, probing and gathering. Always. Use other people as backup listeners to catch things you miss.
Note: Ask more questions. Learn to navigate the knowledge.
Get Face time. Always analyze. Not aggressively, but curiously.
When caught by surprise, you fall to your highest level of preparation.
Negotiation “1 sheet”:
The goal:
think through worst and best case scenarios. Write down 1 best case. Write down the worst too.
Don’t accept BATNA: Best Alternative To Negotiated Agreement. Basically: don’t settle for your fallback, it makes you aim too low.
Write down things you can’t accept.
Best case can be better than you know.
Focus on your goal. Set challenging but realistic goals, so it feels like lower is a loss. It proves to improve outcomes, psychologically.
- Set optimistic but reasonable goal and define it clearly
- Write it down.
- Discus goal with colleagues
- Carry written goal into negotiation
Summary
Write out in a few sentences the facts that ran up to the negotiation. Know the facts.
Prepare to Summarize the situation in a way that makes your counterpart say: “that’s right”
Labels, accusation audit
Prepare 3 to 5 labels to do an accusation audit. Anticipate how your counterpart will feel.
Role play it. Example:
- It seems like .. is valuable to you
- It seems like you don’t like ..
- It seems like you value …
- It seems like … makes it easier
- It seems like you’re reluctant to …
Calibrated questions
Prepare 3 to 5 calibrated questions to reveal value to both parties.
Look past their demands and look for what is making them want it. Motivation me is what they are worried about or long for. Perhaps lust for.
Get past the blinders. Be relentlessly curious. You must accept the reality of other people.
Example what and how questions:
- What are we trying to accomplish?
- How is that worthwhile?
- What’s the core issue here?
- How does that affect things?
- What’s the biggest challenge you face?
- How does this fit into what the objective is?
Identify behind the table deal killers.
- How does this affect the rest of your team?
- How on board are the people not on this call?
- What do your colleagues see as the main challenge in this area?
Identify potential non financial needs. Questions to identify potential deal killing issues:
- What are we up against here?
- What is the biggest challenge you face?
- How does making a deal with us affect things?
- What happens if you do nothing?
- What does doing nothing cost you?
- How does this deal resonate with what your company prides itself on?
Ask I’m groups or two or three. Let counterpart think about the same thing from several angles. Choose right mix. Let them think about what they want and need.
Use follow up labels. Prepare them. It reciprocates and deepens information you can extract. Remember it’s like hostage negotiation; there is a lot to lose and win.
Examples:
- It seems like … is important
- It seems you feel my company is in a unique position to …
- It seems like you are worried that …
Non-cash offers
What could they give that would get us to almost do it for free? What’s special or valuable enough. Remember the magazine publishments he got for free.
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